Post #590, 2 Comments

i want the old me back. the old naive, young, loveable, happy, full of life girl back. I’m 20 and I’ve been with over 20 men, when only a one year seven months and 3 days ago it was only you. it was only you i would ever dream of touching, only you i would ever dream of kissing, only you i would ever dream of making sweet sweet love with. only you. in my head, in my heart its still only you. but i hate you, as much as i still love you i hate you. YOU RUINED ME. i would never be meeting random men to go and have sex. YOU BROKE ME. i wish i was naive. the 14 yr old girl you fell in love with. maybe youd still be in love with me. i would trade anything to have 14 yr old me back, not because of how you might feel for me. but because that 14 yr old girl had confidence. that 14 yr old girl was full of life and love. but this 20 yr old girl is full of hate. so much hate. this 20 yr old girl hates who she’s become, no confidence so she sleeps around. sleeping with married men because she doesn’t care about their relationship because no one cared about her. who does that? she does, someone like me. all because you ruined me. God I want the real me back.

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Comments

  1. Xander Fremen says:

    Well… That sucks. More importantly STOP blaming someone else for your decisions. If I blamed my parents for being total dipshits and therefore every action I perform badly is their fault, I’d be an idiot. I love my Mom and thank her for trying and am glad I got to at least have her there when she has been. I do what I gotta do for myself, and keep going no problem.

    You’re so so young girly, I’m sure you’re beautiful and bright enough to understand this, that you don’t need to blame anyone else and that you can decide tomorrow morning, tonight at 3AM, this afternoon, right now, to stop being the person you hate seeing in the mirror everyday. I’m 24, I was with someone for over four years from high school on, she ended up hating me, I ended up hating her, we fought and blamed everything on everyone else. It was so stoopid haha. In reality, my choices were my own, though I was young and foolish and can’t see the future, I accepted this sole fact and it pretty much leads to the other fact that you make your own choices and when you rely on people and they let you down, you either forgive and forget, forget, or keep the drama going.

    If you can’t let go of the love you’ve had for that guy, like I couldn’t for my ex for so long, I’d say you gotta find him and plead your case. If that’s been done and all’s been said he doesn’t want you or is no good for you, then please just do what I did and it gets way better. Remember the good times, learn from the bad, and move on with what comes next. You miss your 14 year old self all naive and confident, full of life and adventure and wonder, go out and be that person. Replace all your negative self loathing with positive amazingness. You are all you got in this world, when everything else goes wrong you gotta keep your head up and out of the water of despair and self defeat or you’ll drown and you sound like you’re drowning.

    If I knew you in real life I’d be there to tell you you could count on me to go off and have new adventures with you, but that’d be creepy because I’m a stranger, so you gotta find a friend you can be 14 with again. Nothing wrong with being 14, I live my life by that year, minus the partying, I still get up and watch Saturday morning cartoons, continue my dream job path, talk to animals when no one’s looking, try to balance myself on curbs, and look at love and living the same way. Not at first could I come back to this after the break up, but eventually I found myself smiling like a child at little things like she was never there in the first place. There’s nothing wrong with doing what makes you happy girly.

    Good luck.

  2. john says:

    you poor girl you need to realize that one bad relationship doesnt define who you are underneath it all you are that happy girl you once were and you can be again stop sleeping around have some respect for yourself and then you will find people who respect you. if you hate the person you have become change they say a leopard cant change its spots well then its a good thing that your not a leopard isint it!!!

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